How to Fix a Huge Argument with Your Girlfriend

How to Fix a Huge Argument with Your Girlfriend - wikiHow/**/

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It's bad enough to have a little tiff with your beloved one, but what do you do when you've had the mother of all arguments? Even if it didn't turn into a knock-down, name calling, drag-out fight, both of you can end up nursing resentment, anger, and a lot of residual upset. Here's how to put things right - or decide if it's time to go your separate ways.

edit Steps1Accept your upset and unsettled feelings. In the wake of a serious argument, both of you are likely to feel anxious and fearful. Will you break up? Will things work out? Rather than becoming clingy, controlling, or needy - very unattractive, and unhealthy to boot - just accept the fact that after a fight, you will both feel a little bruised and tender. It's normal to feel upset and unsettled. The key is to simply ride out these feelings, behave normally, and to let the fight go. As you go on with your life together, the "leftovers" of this fight will fade away.2Analyze the cause of the fight honestly. Once things are calmer, first you should individually begin to truly analyze and examine the root of the argument. Is it a repeat - have you had this argument before? Or is this a new issue? Did you give in, simply to have the fight end? Or, did you find yourself doggedly defending your position, even though in truth you no longer wanted to?If you're revisiting a subject often, with the result that you argue each time, you may need to face the fact that this issue could be a deal-breaker for you as a couple. However, if you realize after it's all over and the dust has settled that the argument was not as critical as one or both of you now believe, you can take steps to eliminate that cause as a future argument in the making.3Decide whether you want to be right, or stay in this relationship. Stubbornly holding onto anger and defending a position which has resulted in a stalemate will only poison your relationship in the end. When neither of you will budge, both believing you're in the right, one of you will have to make a move. If it's you, there's a good chance you'll stay together (whether you should or not is debatable at this point). If you won't, there's a good chance she will leave - or you will. If you want to stay together, suck it up and apologize.You don't have to admit you were wrong - besides, that would be a lie. But you do have to put an end to the fight. For example: "I don't know if we're ever going to see eye to eye on this, but I do know that I love you and don't want to fight any more. Please, can we let this drop? I feel so bad to see you so upset with me. I'm sorry for letting the fight get so out of hand. Can you forgive me, and let's move on?"4Agree to disagree. If you cannot agree to disagree on this subject, you'll end up breaking up with your girlfriend. However, if, even though you still don't see eye to eye on this issue, you can simply realize that your girlfriend is an intelligent, thoughtful person with an opinion differing from your own, then you can choose to let the argument go. In other words, realizing you cannot persuade her to change her mind, simply accept your difference of opinion, be the bigger man (or woman), and take the high road.5Avoid that subject in the future. If this argument does not come up frequently, then don't go looking for trouble. Once you've determined that you'll never agree, accept that fact - and truly apply your acceptance of that fact. From that point on, do not take up an opposing position if your girlfriend chooses to argue the point with others - and definitely do not argue about it with her. Simply say, "Sweetie, we're probably never going to agree on this point. Let's just not go there."6Attempt to prevent future arguments from escalating the same way. Although it sounds romantic to have huge blowups and then spend days "making up", realizing how much you love and appreciate one another, if this occurs only to start a new cycle of building stress and tension as you prepare for another volcanic eruption, it will devastate your relationship over time. Just as even the mightiest mountain will crumble to dust under the relentless stress of repeated earthquakes, so your relationship will be destroyed by regular or frequent heart-wrenching disagreements. If you find you're having a disagreement that is spiraling out of control and into a huge conflagration, stop. Here are ways to prevent the explosion:Stop. Take a breath.Get your girlfriend to do the same.Tell her, "This is getting out of control."If you can't control your temper, or she can't control hers, leave. Don't stalk out in a huff. Just say, "I don't want this to turn into a huge explosion, so I'm going to go for a walk, all right?" Deflect any tearful or angry accusations that you "don't love her" or "if you leave now, don't come back," by saying, "I know you can't mean that, but if you do, that's a chance I'll have to take. I'm not willing to live like this, and if this is what I can expect every time we have an argument, maybe it's better that I don't come back." If she angrily tells you that's fine, go ahead and find someplace to bunk for the night. Then see the next tip.Give it time. Wait until morning and call her. If the relationship is sound, she should answer and you should be able to talk calmly by this point. If the relationship is doomed, you'll end up calling 30 to 300 times only to have her (A) not answer, (B) yell angrily that she told you if you left it was over, or (C) text you that you're a jerk, not allowing you to respond. See next tip.If none of the above tips have defused the situation, face facts, it's over. Let it go.7Decide whether you and your girlfriend should allow your relationship to survive only to fight another day. If you've been successful in re-setting things once you've had a big fight like this, you now have to decide whether you and your girl are truly a match. A big fight like this should not happen more than one time in a year - and better yet, the longer you're together, the better you know one another, the less often you argue, period. If that's not the case, you have a problem.If your argument styles are very different, and she likes to yell, throw things, and pout for hours, turning many small fights into big ones, while you prefer a calmer, more thoughtful approach, consider the fact that we date before marrying in order to watch how our partner behaves under stress. If your girlfriend's behavior under stress causes big strain and cracks in your relationship are evident, maybe it's time to admit that you and she are not a good match. Explain this to her.

edit Video

Making up after a fight.

 edit TipsDon't accept blame for the fight if it isn't your fault. If it is your fault, there may be a temptation to beg, plead, or "make it up" to her. Don't succumb to it even if it is your fault. If you can't talk it through like adults, let it end.Remember that she's your girlfriend, not your wife. Sometimes, big fights are a way that one partner "gets a rise" out of the other. Dating is the way both partners decide if this is the person they want to spend their lives with. If your girlfriend often resorts to "trying to get a rise out of you" in this way, decide whether you want to go through this again and again throughout your life together.If you've been together for a year, but you realize that since about the third month you've been having fights like this, you're in a toxic relationship and should consider ending it. When you've been "trying to work things out" for longer than you've been happy together, the relationship is not worth the effort.By the same token, don't discard a relationship of a year or more that has been good up until now. If you've recently begun fighting over things you didn't disagree on before, or if she's suddenly started making a really big deal over things, maybe something else is at the root of the problem, such as work stress, or an undiagnosed illness. Don't just bail at the first sign of trouble - see if you can find out what's really wrong, and what these big fights are really all about.

edit WarningsEscalation of arguments is a sign that you're in a controlling or manipulative relationship. Turning a simple disagreement into a huge argument is a control tactic: It keeps you there, with her. It wears you out as it goes on and on. When you say you want a break or to take a walk, she threatens that she'll end it, kill herself, or other negative things. The longer it goes on, the more triumphant she is in her victory (keeping the argument alive, and keeping you there). As you become more exhausted, both physically and emotionally, you may capitulate, just to put an end to the argument. Here's where you start apologizing, then when she doesn't want to accept your apology (even though that's what she's been trying to get out of you for the past two hours), you begin begging for forgiveness. Soon, though she was the one who started the bad part of the argument, you're the one pleading with her to let you make it up to her. And then she wins. You're hooked in a relationship where you'll always lose, and feel lucky to let her win. It's not a good way to go.

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October 31, 2010 by Loiswade42

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Featured Articles | Maintaining Relationships

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